With each surreal experience, my life whirled out of control. Gasping for emotional breath, I remember repeating to myself, “I don’t believe this. This isn’t happening to me.”
Often I envisioned myself standing in front of a television audience under a Jumbo-tron that announced:
”This IS your life.”
I couldn’t imagine it. Soon the chaos, these incredible and unwarranted events would have to end, or I would… come to my own end.
Over time, as these cascading events threatened to throw me over the edge, I realized a new normal had slipped into my life. I would have to adjust or be adjusted.
I refused to be re-defined.
Although my life had been readjusted, as if an earthquake had opened up a wide gap in my existence, I clung to the knowledge that God watched over me. I continued to be his daughter.
God had not removed his love, although I felt abandoned.
God still sat on his throne. I would continue to believe, although doubt pushed its way into every crevice of my being.
God had not changed. My circumstances had taken a turn for the worse, but God was still the same.
God had created me in his image, weaving hope, trust, faith and optimism into my soul. I would not grow bitter. I would not give up.
Easier said than done.
Most mornings I had to will myself out of bed. Like a teetering toddler I moved through required routines. I longed for night, knew when my head hit the pillow, I had survived another day.
“Come sweet sleep. Erase what happened today. Tell me it was not so.”
Oh to fade away into never, never land.
“Please, please tell me, what I experienced today, never, never happened.”
But no, too soon dawn crept into my dark room reminding me to start all over.
Why? Why? Why?
How many times can one desperate soul cry out asking “why” before giving up?
My crises forced me to change focus. No matter how I tired, I found I could not change the direction of the current’s flow in my life. A dam had opened and I had no control over the forces bearing down on me.
I had no control, but I knew who was in control. I had to make a conscious and intentional choice.
Now was the time to live out my belief. All my life I have claimed belief in God, the sovereign Ruler of the universe, the Creator of everything, therefore the One who had power over every aspect of my life.
As each day presented me with experiences that spun my life into maddening instability, shaking circumstances, and a hopeless future I knew I had to grab onto something that would stabilize me.
That something was some ONE. The One true God. The sovereign God.
Psalm 103:19 says “The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all.”
Even me and my life
The Hebrew lexicon describes sovereign as controller, lord, master, owner. The Greek lexicon defines sovereign as the all-ruling, i.e. God (as absolute and universal sovereign):–Almighty, Omnipotent.
Understanding the power, the control of my Master and Lord strengthened me, raised me up to walk in dignity, even though I felt beaten, abandoned, and hopeless.
I knew it was time to put all my trust in God who I understood as worthy of my complete submission.
And so began my spiritual routine of reminding myself what I claimed to believe. Each time my world rocked or shook I repeated , “God, You are in control. You have permitted this to happen for my perfection or you have planned it for your good purpose. I’ll take this journey, if this is what you want from me, because I trust You, God. ”
Slowly my cry, “why” became a whisper, “I trust You, God.”
By divine design, simply submitting and speaking the words, “I trust You.” got me through the difficult times.
My journey through the valley took me places I would never choose to go. Maybe you are a fellow traveler in this valley. I invite you to join me as I share the many ways God showed me his faithfulness.
I’ll be back Saturday. Hope to see you then.