My book, From the Pound to the Palace, is available for $10
from Proverbs 31 Ministries.
My book, Little Halos, is available for $5.99 from Proverbs
31 Ministries.
Sovereign
With each surreal experience, my life whirled out of control. Gasping for emotional breath, I remember repeating to myself, “I don’t believe this. This isn’t happening to me.”
Often I envisioned myself standing in front of a television audience under a Jumbo-tron that announced:
”This IS your life.”
I couldn’t imagine it. Soon the chaos, these incredible and unwarranted events would have to end, or I would… come to my own end.
Over time, as these cascading events threatened to throw me over the edge, I realized a new normal had slipped into my life. I would have to adjust or be adjusted.
I refused to be re-defined.
Although my life had been readjusted, as if an earthquake had opened up a wide gap in my existence, I clung to the knowledge that God watched over me. I continued to be his daughter.
God had not removed his love, although I felt abandoned.
God still sat on his throne. I would continue to believe, although doubt pushed its way into every crevice of my being.
God had not changed. My circumstances had taken a turn for the worse, but God was still the same.
God had created me in his image, weaving hope, trust, faith and optimism into my soul. I would not grow bitter. I would not give up.
Easier said than done.
Most mornings I had to will myself out of bed. Like a teetering toddler I moved through required routines. I longed for night, knew when my head hit the pillow, I had survived another day.
“Come sweet sleep. Erase what happened today. Tell me it was not so.”
Oh to fade away into never, never land.
“Please, please tell me, what I experienced today, never, never happened.”
But no, too soon dawn crept into my dark room reminding me to start all over.
Why? Why? Why?
How many times can one desperate soul cry out asking “why” before giving up?
My crises forced me to change focus. No matter how I tired, I found I could not change the direction of the current’s flow in my life. A dam had opened and I had no control over the forces bearing down on me.
I had no control, but I knew who was in control. I had to make a conscious and intentional choice.
Now was the time to live out my belief. All my life I have claimed belief in God, the sovereign Ruler of the universe, the Creator of everything, therefore the One who had power over every aspect of my life.
As each day presented me with experiences that spun my life into maddening instability, shaking circumstances, and a hopeless future I knew I had to grab onto something that would stabilize me.
That something was some ONE. The One true God. The sovereign God.
Psalm 103:19 says “The Lord has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all.”
Even me and my life
The Hebrew lexicon describes sovereign as controller, lord, master, owner. The Greek lexicon defines sovereign as the all-ruling, i.e. God (as absolute and universal sovereign):–Almighty, Omnipotent.
Understanding the power, the control of my Master and Lord strengthened me, raised me up to walk in dignity, even though I felt beaten, abandoned, and hopeless.
I knew it was time to put all my trust in God who I understood as worthy of my complete submission.
And so began my spiritual routine of reminding myself what I claimed to believe. Each time my world rocked or shook I repeated , “God, You are in control. You have permitted this to happen for my perfection or you have planned it for your good purpose. I’ll take this journey, if this is what you want from me, because I trust You, God. ”
Slowly my cry, “why” became a whisper, “I trust You, God.”
By divine design, simply submitting and speaking the words, “I trust You.” got me through the difficult times.
My journey through the valley took me places I would never choose to go. Maybe you are a fellow traveler in this valley. I invite you to join me as I share the many ways God showed me his faithfulness.
I’ll be back Saturday. Hope to see you then.
“Jesus take the wheel I can not drive any more!”… became my cry of the night. Soon, it was apparent that as long as I tursted these words it all became very manageable and sometimes even exciting. Then, “This too shall change” became the resounding words I heard!
Thankyou for your honesty about this very difficult time in your life…and for sharing your insight and understanding of God’s sovereignty during hardship. Unfortunately for me 30 years of constant struggles in every area of my life and monumental effort to overcome a very bad start in life has made me so exhausted and tired of living and left me wondering that if all I have been through has been to purify me, then how utterly horrid I must have been in the first place- all dross rather than any precious material. I have no more strength to keep being refined and all I see before me is a road of more hardship. obstacles and injustice. After 30 years like this it is very hard to see the end or a time when I may finally find peace and be able to rest and enjoy life. I wonder if you ever thought this during your hard times? and what gave you strength to not turn away or give up?
Oh Eve, I do not know you but my heart broke as I read your words. I want you to know that I prayed for you this afternoon. I am so sorry that life has been so hard on you and I know sometimes that Christian responses can come across as empty platitudes. All I can say to you is to keep your eyes on Jesus, when we focus on our hardships (and I have no doubt they are very real) the road ahead looks very dark, but when we turn our eyes toward the Son the shadows fall behind us. Stay strong sweet one, and never doubt you are precious in His sight.xx
My daughter was diagnosed with a bone cancer at age 14. Many of my Christian friends told me it was God’s plan, meanwhile, I saw many other parent’s who were good Christian parents watch in agnony to see their child suffer the treatment for cancer as well as the many kids who have died.
God did not plan or allow this to happen.
12 Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come:
As fish are caught in a cruel net,
or birds are taken in a snare,
so people are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them.
Eccl 12 NIV.
Sue–God is a loving God.
Hi,
I read the encouraging words almost daily. I wish I could send this in a personal email, but I am not sure if that is possible. If I could be honest with you sometimes I have felt a little less than encouraged when I hear messages like this. You see, I am in the process of being separated from my husband of 8 years. We have two beautiful children Faith and Hope. I have a strong unrelenting faith in the Father Son and Holy Spirit. I even have a calling/desire to open ministry for the Native American communities in my area, focusing on recovery issues. I am in the process of coordinating a women’s group as well. I could tell you all the other things I have my hands in but they are too many to list! (I am an artist, it is in our nature.) I had to leave our situation because my health, my children, and my spirituality were at stake. In fact I came to a place where I was in such an emotional state, that I almost committed suicide. That’s really hard to admit for someone who wants to lead others, but I was already dying inside. I have been recovered from drugs and alcohol for 8 years, and my husband actually thought it was fine to put me in situations that could compromise that. He also allowed my children to go in to places where there were drugs and alcohol being used, and in some cases bought and sold. Not to mention, he allowed his family (the same ones who were using the drugs and alcohol) to say hurtful things to me and actually took their side in the matter. Usually saying that I was just “too sensitive.” Although it was extremely difficuIt, the world became so unrelenting that I finally made the decision to leave for good this time. I felt I had no choice.
However, when I read messages like this, I honestly feel like it was somehow all my fault, like I just didn’t have enough faith or that I didn’t endure to a place that made me an overcomer. I struggle with this because I am a woman of faith who has endured many hardships. My family has always been a broken one and has continually been broken throughout my early 20′s, my father was an alcoholic before he died. Due to my mother’s affair, I was forced to disassociate from a family that I had know most of my life, and I have been abandoned by all of my parents at one time or another-literally. I have a friend who has the unbearable hardship of taking care of her husband who suffers from Parkinsons disease, and she has had to do more than her share, a challenge she gladly accepts, in addition to helping other’s with ministry. I mention this because she has a similar path as mine, the only difference is that I am the one with the Chronic illness in my family, and my husband still accuses me of being lazy. He has actually called me lazy and stupid.
I don’t consider myself to be skittish when in comes to hard work. I love it. I once laid my entire body across a freezing cold puddle in order to paint the top of a church in Juarez, Mexico….and I did it with a smile on my face. Because I love the Lord that much…However, what i have learned is that He has loved me so much that he doesn’t want me to live in sorrow for no reason. I know in my heart that God could not want that for me. I know that he wouldn’t want my children to play in a home that has broken glass panes right next to where the children are playing (their grandmother’s house), but my husband doesn’t. He has subjected me and my children to harmful conditions repeatedly because he has no frame of reference for boundaries and safety. I used to feel sorry for him because I know he came from deplorable circumstances and conditions, but I don’t think God wants me to suffer this way. I have written a lot in my blog about abuse and master manipulation, coupled with narcissitic behaviors. They are real. In these circumstances, people do not want to change, and they do not care about your comfort and security. I have a blog where I have information regarding this…http://eaglemama.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=42&action=edit.
I can make a decision to do what’s best for me and my children so that we are safe and secure. That is very Godly. The situation I’m in now is by no means “easy.” I am now the single mother of two children who need constant care, and I am living in a small, one bedroom apartment that adjoins my Mother’s and her husband’s home. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who put my dreams and desires on hold while my husband pursued his goals. So now what? Well God is good and he has put in place many things for me to take hold of for now and thankfully I am in an environment where I am supported and loved in this. I am grateful to God for his loving care and guidance throughout! Can’t do it without Him!! Joy and peace have flooded my heart, but it wasn’t because I choose to stay in a bad situation, it was because I chose to get out! Praise the LORD!! As I said I have a blog that addresses some of my experiences and issues, and I did quote some of the writers from E.F.T. I also shared some links as well, if you find that there is anything that any of you would like to have removed I will do that -no problem, however, I hope that you find that these references were meant to lead others to Christ and show His love!!
God Bless YOU!!